Donnie: But ahh well.
Smithers: You sound like you’re making a challenge of some sort.
Donnie: What? Bah, those two don’t interest me in the least. Fever especially. I remember he took one trip to England and suddenly thought he was some sort of prince, can you imagine Smithers? How ludicrous. Why he was the laughing stock of London.
Donnie takes another long pull off the bottle.]
Donnie: UCP, all of you, listen close. An infusion of fresh blood I am into this dried up husk of a league. A brand new face who dares to insert himself into the mishmash of competition that many of you have been going over for ages on end. An amateur I am not. Crossed this rock of a world many times I have. Seen the many cultures of this world so many times that it is all an old dance to me. I have been called many things, not all of them pleasant of course. I want into this Pay-per-view event, and what I want I usually get.
Loudmouth Donnie raises the bottle in the air as the scene fades.]
Scene fades and fades back again into a new location]
Iron Roy Wolfe vs. Loudmouth Donnie
(The scene opens inside what looks to be a huge gym room. The lack of any windows suggests the gym is deep inside a large building of some sort. A wrestling ring is in the middle of the room, a small table with stereo equipment sits to one side. To the other side, which the camera pans over to, is a larger table which has two people seated at it. One is a woman who wears business clothes, the other is recognized as Smithers, Loudmouth Donnie’s butler. The woman speaks.)
Smith: Welcome to Trump estate everyone, I’m Lora Smith, to my right, we’ll I’m sure everyone knows him by now. Smithers.
Smithers: Humph.
Smith: Aw, C’mon Smithers, be a sport.
Smithers: This is utterly ridiculous Ms. Smith. I can’t believe a lady such as yourself and a gentleman such as myself are sitting here, actually partaking in such foolery. May I ask you something Ms. Smith? How much did the master pay you to fly over here from the corporation just to do this?
Smith: Um, well. I don’t know what you’re talking about Smithers and let me ask you something. You haven’t even seen professional wrestling, have you? This could be quite exciting.
Smithers: No, I have never seen a single spot of this “wrestling”, and I could care less about this silly melodrama they try to pass off as a professional sport. (Smithers crosses his arms, his nose slightly in the air.)
Smith: Well, whatever Smithers. You just go ahead and keep an eye on that ceiling, all right? Anyways, this is a match between Loudmouth Donnie, the world renowned athlete. (Smithers rolls his eyes.)
Smith: And a wrestler by the name of Iron Roy Wolfe.
Smithers, muttering to himself: Probably some homeless lout he dragged down here in return for a cup of tea and a crust of bread.
Smith: What was that Smithers?
Smithers: Oh nothing, Ms. Smith, nothing.
(A door opens in the back. A man wearing business clothes, standing by the stereo, pushes a button on the stereo, and recorded crowd boos sound from the speakers.)
Smith: Here comes Iron Roy Wolfe, completely ignorant to the beating he will receive here tonight.
Smithers: This is such nonsense.
Smith: Smithers, please!
(Smithers, with an exasperated look on his face, shrugs and goes silent. Another door opens and Loudmouth Donnie enters, the man standing next to the stereo pushes a button and the boos change to cheers.)
Smith: And there’s the greatest athlete in the world, Loudmouth Donnie!
Smithers: Indeed, probably with the greatest pile of soiled linen on his bedroom floor as well.
Smith: Smithers.
Smithers: All right, all right. My goodness. No need to become upset.
Smith: Well, they lock up. Donnie with a hard chop to Wolfe. Wolfe with a look of panic on his face fires back with a roundhouse right! Donnie, um well, slips.
Smithers: Slip? Why, the master just squawked like a chicken and fell flat on his rump, that’s what he did.
Smith: No, no, no. he slipped. Wolfe picks Donnie up now. Bodyslam! Donnie is scuttling backwards. Hmm, Donnie seems to want a break.
Smithers: Why, he’s begging for mercy! My, perhaps I should give this wrestling a second chance.
Smith: Donnie is up like lightning. He quickly picks up Wolfe and.
Smithers: He just planted his knee in the man’s private parts!
Smith: No, no, no Smithers. That’s called an “inverted atomic drop”, it’s an impact move that focuses on the spinal column.
(Smithers raises a skeptical eyebrow.)
Smith: Um, anyways. Donnie takes Wolfe to the mat with a snap mare. He quickly goes behind and locks on an STF.
(Smithers becomes wide-eyed.)
Smithers: Now, you call *that* a wrestling move?
Smith: Well, yes.
Smithers, muttering: Looks to me like he’s trying to make love to the man.
Smith: Smithers!
Smithers: All right, all right! Goodness gracious.
Smith: Donnie lets go, Wolfe looks like he doesn’t know what to do. Donnie heads to the top turnbuckle. Now watch this Smithers.
Smithers: If I must.
(Loudmouth Donnie climbs to the top turnbuckle, poses for a short while...)
Smithers: Hmm, same pose he used for the tabloids last year.
Smith: Donnie flies off the turnbuckle with a splash! Whoops!
Smithers: We’ll of course Wolfe is going to roll out of the way, what do you expect the man to do? Ask him for a round of checkers?
Smith: Well, um, he’s supposed to um. Anyways, Donnie in great pain in the ring, Wolfe getting to his feet.
Smithers: GO WOLFE! Nail the blither!
Smith: Smithers?
Smithers: Oh, *ahem* excuse me, had to clear my throat.
Smith: Wolfe nailing Donnie with a series of lefts and rights! C’mon Donnie, do something!
Smithers: What’s the matter Ms. Smith? Afraid of your glorious bonus check going up in smoke? (Lora Smith fixes Smithers with a burning glare, who returns the glare with a Cheshire Cat style grin.)
Smith: Well, anyways. Yeah! Donnie.
Smithers: Why, the master just stuck his arm between the man’s legs and grabbed him in his private parts!
Smith: No, no, no Smithers! That’s called a “rolling reverse cradle” Donnie’s got him pinned!
Smithers: Well, it just looked like a position my wife and I used in bed last night.
Smith: Smithers? (Smithers flushes with embarrassment.)
Smithers: Um, anyways, the man wearing the strange zebra shirt just counted three in some strange caveman sign language. What happens now?
Smith: That’s it, Donnie has won!
Smithers: My, how disappointing. It’s over already? Oh well, I just hope he hasn’t soiled yet another undergarment.
(Loudmouth Donnie raises his arms in the air. The man standing next to the stereo pushes a button and recorded crowd cheers sound from the speakers. Donnie walks over to the edge of the ring and calls down to the commentator’s table.)
Donnie: Well, that went rather well.
(Lora Smith gives Donnie a “thumbs up”)
Donnie: Smithers, what did you think of that?
Smithers: Who me sir? Oh, I bored the entire time and didn’t say a word. I can’t believe you had me.
Donnie: Fine, fine Smithers. Anyways, it’s all good people. Let’s get the tape shipped to the UCP offices right away!
(Donnie heads out of the ring to talk to a few people. Lora Smith fixes Smithers with a glare. Smithers responds by giving Lora Smith an insufferable smirk before leaving to return to his duties.)
Smith: Well, guess that’s all from the Trump Estate. Good-bye everyone.
Elaine and Shelly look rather speechless for a moment, before Shelly regains her composure...]
Shelly: I do not believe that match was sanctioned by UCP.
Elaine: I’m sure it wasn’t.
Shelly: Let’s go back to ringside, and hear from The Enforcer, Adam Sanchez.
Adam Sanchez vs. Mysterious Jobber
Ring Announcer: The following match is set for one fall. First, from Phoenix, Arizona. “The Enforcer” Adam Sanchez!
The arena’s speakers blare with “Yellow and Black Attack” by Leaderdogs, and the Enforcer strides from the locker room clad in his new red and black harlequin singlet and the leather duster. After he enters the ring, he removes the coat and hangs it on the ring post opposite the entryway. The Enforcer then perches himself on the turnbuckle in the same corner.]
RA: And his opponent, with origin unknown, The Mysterious Jobber!
the Mysterious Jobber enters the ring wearing a black cover-all bodysuit with a blue J on the chest. His mask reveals only his eyes.]
Biff: I’ve been waiting for this match a while. This is the first ring appearance in the UCP of the real Enforcer.
Ed: Be careful, Biff, there are some here who would contradict your claim.
Biff: Whatever.
Ed: There’s the bell, and this match is underway, but the Enforcer is still sitting on the turn buckle opposite the Mysterious Jobber. The Enforcer’s opponent attempts to approach him, but is down as the Enforcer leaps off the turnbuckle with a flying clothesline.
Biff: the Enforcer always has something up his sleeve. He never does anything without a reason.
Ed: Enforcer picks up the Jobber and whips him into the ropes. Jobber ducks a knife-edge chop and comes off the ropes one the other side.
Biff: the Jobber tries for a hurricanrana, but the Enforcer counters with a power bomb.
Ed: Enforcer deals a series of stomps to the Mysterious Jobber as he rises and then twists his opponent’s arm.
Biff: Enforcer steps over the arm and heel flips Jobber.
Ed: Enforcer wastes some time taunting his opponent and allows him time to get up in the corner.
Biff: the Enforcer